I was born in Germany and there’s an old German saying for grandparents that I not only quote but live by. It goes, “schweigen, schlucken, and schenken,” which means, “keep your mouth shut, swallow, and give presents.”

But while these are the broad rules that grandparents should live by, that doesn’t mean you can’t have a role to play in every stage of the lives of your grandchildren, and that’s true when they start dating as well.

Exactly what role you might play will depend on your relationship. If you live clear across the country, it’s going to be more difficult to get involved in any sort of direct way, except to give encouragement and possibly a present (like a new shirt or blouse for an upcoming date.) But if you see this grandchild with some regularity, then you may be able to do more in two areas.

The first has to do with your children. If they’re overreacting, it’s going to be your job to remind them of what happened when they first began to date. You lived through the ups and downs of that era with them, and your memories may help to bring a dose of reality to this new aspect of their lives as parents.

And if you can, you can also act as a sounding board for your teenage grandchild. If you’ve been a grandparent who has always scolded your grandchildren, then it’s going to be more difficult. But if you’ve developed a relationship over the years where they’ve looked to you for advice before, then there’s a good chance that if the need arises they’ll do so again.

If everything is going smoothly, or at least relatively smoothly, then you can keep quiet. But if the teen is having problems either with his or her parents, or with the dating process, then by being a good listener you might be able to make it a bit easier for your grandchild.

You have to be careful not to insert yourself between the parents and the teen, but you may be able to smooth out some of the rough spots by offering an unbiased sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, some timely negotiation skills, or some much-needed funding.